Weeks ago, Mindy went to Florida to sit and listen to a bunch of people talk. I'm so thankful, because there is no chance that I would choose to do such a thing, but she told me about the best ones. This morning I listened to a lady talk about "Comparing" (Min's favorite talk) and it's challenging me. She shared the account in John when Jesus asked Peter 3x if he loved Him. She jumped in right after that when Jesus throws this at Peter: "Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this He said to him, "Follow me." Then, she broke it down saying that Jesus told Peter that he would die a brutal death on the cross and then He immediately followed it up by commanding him to set his eyes on Jesus. She made the point that Jesus doesn't tell Peter how sorry He is or pity him.
It is like medicine for my heart to think about this moment. Peter processing his foretold torturous death. Jesus knew that the only way Peter could survive this was by following after Him. I am here in this moment. Waking up every day and remembering that our Titus will not ever be with us on this earth. Its final. And every moment, Jesus commands the same of Michael and I: follow. So many days it feels like it will be more productive to do everything but seeking Jesus. Many times these other "productive" things involve me looking at someone else's 'lot' and trying to figure out their life compared to mine (or Mindy's or Catherine's). I am thankful that Peter did the same so that I can see it played out.
"Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them...When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?" Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!" (John 21:18-22)
WOW. Peter is straight-up juxtaposing his life with John's, and Jesus will have none of it. Jesus brings Peter back to the focal point, Himself. The speaker lady pointed out that it's not enough just not to compare myself to others. I must constantly be "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2). It's so funny, you know, that we all kinda know these things deep down. But, today this dialogue between Peter and Jesus has brought conviction to my heart.
This truth doesn't make me miss Titus any less or long less eagerly for the day when Michael and I will hold our third child. I still feel the frustration, sadness and confoundedness with my close friend's difficult situations. It does though wash waves of peace over my heart. It brings reassurance that God hasn't changed or altered even for a moment. I love this Psalm (below) because David doesn't deny the difficult situation he is facing. But, he knows that his current 'lot' doesn't make God any less. I could not face the future without this assurance and hope--He remains faithful.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel." Psalm 22: 1-3
