On Monday afternoon, Mindy told me to listen to this song.  Since then, I've listened to it at least twenty times.  This time last year Michael and I were making ornaments during my early labor with Titus. Oh, so much can change in a moment.  Our arms and hearts will forever ache for our precious little man.  These lyrics put my all-over-the-place feelings into words.  Today, a college friend of ours, Lawrence passed away from lunch cancer...please be praying for his family.

                                                                          




                                                           "Held"

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

-Christa Wells

*You can search Natalie Grant "Held" to hear the song.  

Team Tarrant

I can't remember when Michael started referring to our family as Team Tarrant, but over the years it has really grown on me.  Michael thoroughly enjoys playing and watching sports.  When he is talking about our family, he's sure to compare us to a team usually in reference to unity.  

Over the past seven months, our family has embarked on an adventure that Michael and I are equally thrilled and thankful about...ADOPTION!  When we were dating, we would dream about our lives together and inevitably our children.  We always discussed wanting to raise biological and adopted children together close in age.  Three years later, we joyously anticipated Titus's arrival, our first-born son.  Somewhere around month 8, we were walking and having a "where's our family headed" kind of talk.  As it had many times before, adoption came back up.  But this time, we were compelled to share our hopeful plans with our family.  We wanted them to have time to process and know our heart's desire about the children we believe God will bring into our family.  We explained that we probably wouldn't be able to begin the adoption process until Titus was a toddler and we were (hopefully) financially able.  

Those conversations happened about a year ago, and we never could have dreamed where we would be today.  The reality is that our lives were changed forever the moment that Titus took his last breath, but it's his life that we desperately try to remember with thankful hearts.  Our first-born son comprehends the length, depth, breadth and height of who God is, and we pray that his legacy would live on in our family.  We have opportunities often to share Titus' story in the bigger picture of Jesus Christ's gift of salvation.  We plan to talk openly with all of our children about their big brother (and sister, Mercy) in conversations about eternity, suffering, God's sovereignty and joy.  

"For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair...always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:6-8, 10

About two months after Titus, we began talking about adoption again.  Our good friends were in the process of adopting (and now have welcomed their sweet Samuel into their family!).  As we began discussing the possibility of adopting sooner than later, I was very hesitant at first.  It had not been long since we lost our son, and we both had concerns.  So, we prayed for God to lead us with timing (because we already knew we wanted to do it, we just felt unsure about the when part).  A month later, we were convinced that we should move forward.  We sat our family down again to share our news, and they were all thrilled at the thought on welcoming a lil one into our family!  

Just as we were wrapping up our home study process, we were essentially shocked to see those two pink lines...Surprise!  Honestly, we had to deal with what felt like insurmountable fear at the beginning of this pregnancy.  During the first trimester, we found out that Titus had a heart defect that has a 2% chance of reoccurring in future pregnancies.  This is extremely low recurrence rate, and we have the kindest doctors working with us to monitor this lil guy growing in me.  We are expecting Samson Michael in early February, and we are already in love with this active lil dude!  One of the meanings of Samson's name is "Great Joy," and he has truly already brought so much joy to our hearts.  

We were able to stay in the adoption pool until I was about half-way through the pregnancy, and last Thursday we got the call that are officially on pause until Samson is 6 months old.  Let me tell you that this year continues to show me that I understand absolutely nothing that God does, and I'm ok with that.  So, we have a child growing inside of me, and we have a child growing in our hearts.  Just as much as we adore Samson and anticipate holding him in our arms, we have a similar affection for the child(ren) God is bringing into our family through adoption.  Our hearts ache for all of our children in different ways: for Titus and Mercy and eternity, we long intensely; for Samson, we hope for a beautiful day to hear the words that we can bring our healthy son home; for our adopted children, we feel strangely that we know them but have no clue what they will look like or when they will be in our arms.  We have no guarantees about what's to come for our children that we love and cherish so deeply, but we are praying for long, healthy lives for the ones to come. Grow on, Team Tarrant!

In the middle

Michael played this song for me a couple of weeks ago for the first time.  Afterwards, he said that the lyrics make him think about how God has cared for us through the darkness.  To me, the words poignantly describe my sweet husband.  Even now, I cannot listen to it without both thinking of him and crying. 

In the Middle by Jimmy Needham

I remember it was later in December when we got the call
Dead of winter cut deep like a splinter from the weight of it all
When the news came, for me the hardest part of all
Was to see you sitting there so brokenhearted

I'd forgotten how it felt to hit the bottom when you suffer pain
It was like tryin' to run a hundred miles in the pourin' rain
But the truth is not even storms can kill this flame
My promise to you always remains

In the middle of the cold, dark knight
In the middle it'll be all right I will be there, I will be there
And if pain is the ocean you are swimmin' in
If I can't pull you out, I'm divin' in

Never thought I could love anyone the way I loved you
And if it took my life I'd fight to protect you, too
But I was helpless and there was nothing I could do
So I'll just wrap my arms around you and say

I believe that God was there watching over us
I believe He heard our prayers He cried along with us
Even when our hearts are scared He's closer than He seems
And I can hear Him sing

In the middle of the cold, dark night
In the middle it'll be all right I will be there, I will be there
And if pain is the ocean you are swimmin' in
You can rest assured that I'll be divin' in

In the middle of the cold, dark night
In the middle it'll be all right I will be there, I will be there
And if pain is the ocean you are swimmin' in
Like I've done before, I'm divin' in I am divin' I am divin' in

Michael turned 26 this past Wednesday.  When Michael was born, he faced towering medical conditions.  Doctors had doubts about his survival, and projected he would be hospitalized at minimum for months.  Family and friends prayed and believed for this precious life.  Then, after less than one month in care, he was checked by a Dr. Chase.  He/she determined that his persistent fetal circulation and aspiration had resolved itself.  In medical terminology, God used both the amazing doctors on staff and His healing power to heal tiny Michael Tarrant. (We just found all of this out on Friday when some of his records were discovered in a baby book).  

Fast forward 26 years, and this little miracle baby is the man that makes me laugh more than anyone else, loves me like crazy, talks in his sleep and brings glory to God with his real, broken life.  I am so thankful for you baby, so very thankful.

Follow Me

So, logically I know that it's in no way beneficial for me to compare my life to another persons.  Unfortunately, I'm not always so logical.  Weeks after Titus passed, I remember having this "ah-ha" moment in my living room.  I had been looking at the vast majority of people around me everywhere raising their kiddos and aching with the questions of 'why not us?'  Then, it hit me (this may sound strange) that I didn't want their kids.  I wanted Titus and our hopeful children to come.  This was a truly triumphant moment, but short-lived.  

Weeks ago, Mindy went to Florida to sit and listen to a bunch of people talk.  I'm so thankful, because there is no chance that I would choose to do such a thing, but she told me about the best ones.  This morning I listened to a lady talk about "Comparing" (Min's favorite talk) and it's challenging me.  She shared the account in John when Jesus asked Peter 3x if he loved Him.  She jumped in right after that when Jesus throws this at Peter: "Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this He said to him, "Follow me." Then, she broke it down saying that Jesus told Peter that he would die a brutal death on the cross and then He immediately followed it up by commanding him to set his eyes on Jesus.  She made the point that Jesus doesn't tell Peter how sorry He is or pity him.  

It is like medicine for my heart to think about this moment.  Peter processing his foretold torturous death.  Jesus knew that the only way Peter could survive this was by following after Him.  I am here in this moment.  Waking up every day and remembering that our Titus will not ever be with us on this earth.  Its final. And every moment, Jesus commands the same of Michael and I: follow. So many days it feels like it will be more productive to do everything but seeking Jesus.  Many times these other "productive" things involve me looking at someone else's 'lot' and trying to figure out their life compared to mine (or Mindy's or Catherine's).  I am thankful that Peter did the same so that I can see it played out.

"Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them...When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?"  Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?  You follow me!" (John 21:18-22)

WOW.  Peter is straight-up juxtaposing his life with John's, and Jesus will have none of it. Jesus brings Peter back to the focal point, Himself.  The speaker lady pointed out that it's not enough just not to compare myself to others.  I must constantly be "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2).  It's so funny, you know, that we all kinda know these things deep down.  But, today this dialogue between Peter and Jesus has brought conviction to my heart.  

This truth doesn't make me miss Titus any less or long less eagerly for the day when Michael and I will hold our third child.  I still feel the frustration, sadness and confoundedness with my close friend's difficult situations.  It does though wash waves of peace over my heart.  It brings reassurance that God hasn't changed or altered even for a moment.  I love this Psalm (below) because David doesn't deny the difficult situation he is facing.  But, he knows that his current 'lot' doesn't make God any less.  I could not face the future without this assurance and hope--He remains faithful.  

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel." Psalm 22: 1-3

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Judah and Baylor

Today marks seven months since these two boys were born in a hospital in Dallas.  No heartbeats, just silence and tears.  Even though I never had the honor of meeting them, feeling them kick in their mommy's tummy or holding them, I miss Judah and Baylor Coughlin deeply.  About a month after Titus was born, I went to a children's museum with Lindsay.  In the gift shop, two little boys with light blond hair, plaid overalls and glasses caught my eye.  I'm sure I seemed a little stalkerish because I just stood there and stared at them until they walked away each holding one of their mom's hands.  I just kept thinking--that's exactly what Judah and Baylor would look like at 4 years old.  For the rest of my life when I see twin boys of any age, I will think of Shane and Min's sweet boys.  But, on that day it was different and the image of those two boys is what I picture every time I'm thinking about them.

Everything within my being wishes that Shane and Min & Michael and I raising our boys right now, not writing blogs about them.  But, in the current circumstances I find myself in, I must remember the gifts that our children are to us even though they are not in our arms.   

Now, I have some things to say to the boys:

Dear Judah and Baylor,

First of all, I hope that you two are tight with my Titus and Mercy.  

Boys, I know that you know this, but I just have to say it again.  Your mommy and daddy loved every minute they got to spend with you on this earth.  What a surprise you two were!  A wonderful, perfect surprise.  Your mommy was just telling me today about seeing the two of you on the ultrasound at 11 weeks.  You two have the most genuine, rad parents ever.  When I went to go visit your mommy after you both went to heaven, I imagined for a moment what it would be like if my squirming Titus' heart stopped beating.  I don't think that I will ever understand why you two and my kids are no longer on this earth, but I do know that your mommy and daddy have been a true blessing to Michael and I.  They talk about real, hard things with us.  Your mommy listens to me when I don't make any sense and tells me I'm normal.  Her eyes sparkle sometimes when she is talking about you two.  Your daddy holds your mommy's hand when she's sad.  He would have taught you two to be strong, sensitive men.  

I'm sure you both know that mommy and daddy will be with you soon.  It's hard to always remember that living on this earth.  Until then, my heart hurts for you both to be here.  I eagerly await the day that we are all together beholding the full glory of God...no more death, tears or aching hearts.  Judah and Baylor, even though your time here was short, your lives have touched so many (perhaps mine one of the most).  I will never forget you sweet boys.  I love you two.

Family Photo:

Shane, Min, Judah and Baylor

Dear Titus

Hey buddy,

You would be three months old today.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so, so much.  We talk about you all the time.  I want more than anything else on this earth to hold you in my arms, kiss your soft brown hair and look into your dark eyes.  You look so much like your daddy, which is actually something I always talked about wanting when I was pregnant with you.  I was listening to a song recently that said "If I find in myself desires nothing in the world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I wasn't made for this."  I always knew that one day I would be in eternity with Jesus, but now I understand much more deeply that heaven is truly my home, and my life here is just a moment.  One day, Daddy and I will be there with you forever.  The hope of that beautiful eternity keeps me going.  I love you Titus Michael Tarrant.  On December 12, 2011, you brought more joy to our hearts than we could have ever imagined.

Daddy cried so hard his chest heaved as he looked at you for the first time.  I was way too tired to cry, but I held you on my chest and said, "Oh my goodness!" over and over again.  You were here, you were perfect.  Our two days with you sweet boy were the best days of our lives.  Every day that I mark off the calendar is one day closer to seeing you and beholding the full glory of God.  Soon.

Until then, we know that God continues to put breathe in our lungs.  Jesus, the same Daddy that holds you now, helps us everyday.  After you went to heaven, your cousin Avery told her mommy you were cozy and warm because Jesus is holding you.  Titus, it's true that being there with Jesus is much better than being on this broken earth, but I still long and cry and ache for you to be here.   We are praying to have  dream to see what it was like when you arrived in heaven and Mercy was there.  I imagine that her joy could not be contained.  I also imagine you both playing with Judah and Baylor.  I'm sure you are all good buddies.

Titus, I could not possibly be more proud to be your mommy.   I love you beautiful boy, forever and ever and ever.

love,
mommy