Judah and Baylor

Today marks seven months since these two boys were born in a hospital in Dallas.  No heartbeats, just silence and tears.  Even though I never had the honor of meeting them, feeling them kick in their mommy's tummy or holding them, I miss Judah and Baylor Coughlin deeply.  About a month after Titus was born, I went to a children's museum with Lindsay.  In the gift shop, two little boys with light blond hair, plaid overalls and glasses caught my eye.  I'm sure I seemed a little stalkerish because I just stood there and stared at them until they walked away each holding one of their mom's hands.  I just kept thinking--that's exactly what Judah and Baylor would look like at 4 years old.  For the rest of my life when I see twin boys of any age, I will think of Shane and Min's sweet boys.  But, on that day it was different and the image of those two boys is what I picture every time I'm thinking about them.

Everything within my being wishes that Shane and Min & Michael and I raising our boys right now, not writing blogs about them.  But, in the current circumstances I find myself in, I must remember the gifts that our children are to us even though they are not in our arms.   

Now, I have some things to say to the boys:

Dear Judah and Baylor,

First of all, I hope that you two are tight with my Titus and Mercy.  

Boys, I know that you know this, but I just have to say it again.  Your mommy and daddy loved every minute they got to spend with you on this earth.  What a surprise you two were!  A wonderful, perfect surprise.  Your mommy was just telling me today about seeing the two of you on the ultrasound at 11 weeks.  You two have the most genuine, rad parents ever.  When I went to go visit your mommy after you both went to heaven, I imagined for a moment what it would be like if my squirming Titus' heart stopped beating.  I don't think that I will ever understand why you two and my kids are no longer on this earth, but I do know that your mommy and daddy have been a true blessing to Michael and I.  They talk about real, hard things with us.  Your mommy listens to me when I don't make any sense and tells me I'm normal.  Her eyes sparkle sometimes when she is talking about you two.  Your daddy holds your mommy's hand when she's sad.  He would have taught you two to be strong, sensitive men.  

I'm sure you both know that mommy and daddy will be with you soon.  It's hard to always remember that living on this earth.  Until then, my heart hurts for you both to be here.  I eagerly await the day that we are all together beholding the full glory of God...no more death, tears or aching hearts.  Judah and Baylor, even though your time here was short, your lives have touched so many (perhaps mine one of the most).  I will never forget you sweet boys.  I love you two.

Family Photo:

Shane, Min, Judah and Baylor

Dear Titus

Hey buddy,

You would be three months old today.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so, so much.  We talk about you all the time.  I want more than anything else on this earth to hold you in my arms, kiss your soft brown hair and look into your dark eyes.  You look so much like your daddy, which is actually something I always talked about wanting when I was pregnant with you.  I was listening to a song recently that said "If I find in myself desires nothing in the world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I wasn't made for this."  I always knew that one day I would be in eternity with Jesus, but now I understand much more deeply that heaven is truly my home, and my life here is just a moment.  One day, Daddy and I will be there with you forever.  The hope of that beautiful eternity keeps me going.  I love you Titus Michael Tarrant.  On December 12, 2011, you brought more joy to our hearts than we could have ever imagined.

Daddy cried so hard his chest heaved as he looked at you for the first time.  I was way too tired to cry, but I held you on my chest and said, "Oh my goodness!" over and over again.  You were here, you were perfect.  Our two days with you sweet boy were the best days of our lives.  Every day that I mark off the calendar is one day closer to seeing you and beholding the full glory of God.  Soon.

Until then, we know that God continues to put breathe in our lungs.  Jesus, the same Daddy that holds you now, helps us everyday.  After you went to heaven, your cousin Avery told her mommy you were cozy and warm because Jesus is holding you.  Titus, it's true that being there with Jesus is much better than being on this broken earth, but I still long and cry and ache for you to be here.   We are praying to have  dream to see what it was like when you arrived in heaven and Mercy was there.  I imagine that her joy could not be contained.  I also imagine you both playing with Judah and Baylor.  I'm sure you are all good buddies.

Titus, I could not possibly be more proud to be your mommy.   I love you beautiful boy, forever and ever and ever.

love,
mommy

Mercy's day

On March 4, 2011 I found that our first pregnancy ended far too soon.  I was devastated.  We planned a birthday trip with Hannah and David for two weeks later.  I remember wondering in the days before we left if I would be any fun.  I read a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which changed how I would view everything.  Ann presents thankfulness as a way to combat the evils of complacency, self-pity, sadness and many other joy-stealers I was battling at the time.  I began to thank Jesus for all the many blessings I would overlook on a regular day.  The kindness of a stranger, a perfectly sunny afternoon, laughing uncontrollably with Michael, taking a long walk with a friend...you get the idea.  As I took the time to stop and acknowledge these gifts, I found the Lord using thankfulness to heal my hurting heart.


Fast-forward almost a year later...I feel like I am re-learning this attitude of thankfulness.  After loosing Titus, I was hurt and angry...thankfulness was far away from anything I felt or imagined experiencing.  Then I read these words in Nancy Guthrie's book Holding onto Hope, "you see, Hope was a gift. And the appropriate response to a gift is gratitude...when you come to the place where you recognize that everything you have and everyone you love is a gift, it becomes possible to enjoy those gifts--not with an attitude of greed but with one of gratitude...And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. Would you be willing to thank God for a gift he gave you and has now taken away?"


Now, its really a moment by moment struggle to be thankful for the time I was able to carry Mercy and carry/ be with Titus.  I will be with my babies forever and ever and ever in eternity, and every bit of my broken heart longs for that.  Michael asked me the other day if March 4th would be as difficult as Titus's birthday.  I explained that when we lost Titus, it made me realize how much we had already lost with our first pregnancy.  I must rest in the truth that God numbered their days perfectly (Psalm 139).  


Michael and I decided that to honor Mercy's day, we would buy a book every year and make it a family tradition to read it together.  This year I stumbled on a lady's blog who wrote about One Thousand Gifts and a children's book called Small Beauties.  I knew this must be Mercy's book this year.  I read it for the first time today tear-free until I got to this line, "Help the others to remember, and not just the sadness, the hurt, and the hunger.  Help them to remember all the beauty they left behind."  Oh Mercy, help me to remember sweet baby, help me to remember.