Mercy's day

On March 4, 2011 I found that our first pregnancy ended far too soon.  I was devastated.  We planned a birthday trip with Hannah and David for two weeks later.  I remember wondering in the days before we left if I would be any fun.  I read a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which changed how I would view everything.  Ann presents thankfulness as a way to combat the evils of complacency, self-pity, sadness and many other joy-stealers I was battling at the time.  I began to thank Jesus for all the many blessings I would overlook on a regular day.  The kindness of a stranger, a perfectly sunny afternoon, laughing uncontrollably with Michael, taking a long walk with a friend...you get the idea.  As I took the time to stop and acknowledge these gifts, I found the Lord using thankfulness to heal my hurting heart.


Fast-forward almost a year later...I feel like I am re-learning this attitude of thankfulness.  After loosing Titus, I was hurt and angry...thankfulness was far away from anything I felt or imagined experiencing.  Then I read these words in Nancy Guthrie's book Holding onto Hope, "you see, Hope was a gift. And the appropriate response to a gift is gratitude...when you come to the place where you recognize that everything you have and everyone you love is a gift, it becomes possible to enjoy those gifts--not with an attitude of greed but with one of gratitude...And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. Would you be willing to thank God for a gift he gave you and has now taken away?"


Now, its really a moment by moment struggle to be thankful for the time I was able to carry Mercy and carry/ be with Titus.  I will be with my babies forever and ever and ever in eternity, and every bit of my broken heart longs for that.  Michael asked me the other day if March 4th would be as difficult as Titus's birthday.  I explained that when we lost Titus, it made me realize how much we had already lost with our first pregnancy.  I must rest in the truth that God numbered their days perfectly (Psalm 139).  


Michael and I decided that to honor Mercy's day, we would buy a book every year and make it a family tradition to read it together.  This year I stumbled on a lady's blog who wrote about One Thousand Gifts and a children's book called Small Beauties.  I knew this must be Mercy's book this year.  I read it for the first time today tear-free until I got to this line, "Help the others to remember, and not just the sadness, the hurt, and the hunger.  Help them to remember all the beauty they left behind."  Oh Mercy, help me to remember sweet baby, help me to remember.