Titus' birth story

In January of 2011, I was reading in Psalms 127 and I marked it with the date.  Michael and I wanted to get pregnant and fill our quiver with many arrows!

At the end of March, I watched the 2nd line appear on the pregnancy test.  Nothing in the world could have brought more joy to my broken heart than those two lines.  It had been a little over 3 weeks since we had miscarried our first. [We later agreed that we felt like the baby was a girl and we named her Mercy]   We made onsies with cutsie phrases and surprised our family with the amazing news.  What a gift!  

The first trimester I remember thinking, why do people do this more than once?  Morning sickness.  After getting over that yucky time, I really enjoyed being pregnant.  I LOVED feeling Titus kicking and squirming around.  Most morning I woke up around four and I would lay next to Michael with my hands on my belly dreaming about this tiny life flipping inside me.  I have had baby names picked out since I was around five.  When my mom got pregnant with Jordan(I was 6), I was so ticked that she named him Jordan because I had that name on my girl list:).  I dreamed about being a mom for as long as I can remember.  

Throughout my pregnancy, I went to my midwife for prenatal care.  Michael and I would go sit in her office and talk for an hour or so.  We would listen to Titus' strong heartbeat, run tests, take my weight and blood pressure and discuss the big day.  I was so excited about our home birth, but I told myself that no matter how the birth ended up (home birth, c-section, hospital birth), the most important thing was having a healthy baby.  

Before December 11, we had two false alarms which made me quite sad.  I was so ready to meet this sweet boy!  The night after the second false alarm, I was laying awake crying and asking God to please let my labor start.  The Lord whispered lovingly to my heavy heart, "Emery, I am taking care of you. Emery, I am taking care of you."  These words stilled my heart, but I had no idea in that moment what these words would mean to me just 8 days later.  

So, on Sunday afternoon around 5 my regular contractions began about 15 minutes apart.  We went for a walk that night-well, really I was waddling.  Then, we tried to sleep.  From about 2 am until 4am, I was awake by myself breathing through the contractions.  Near the end of that stretch, I was freaking out every time I had a contraction--I kept thinking, "What in the world did they say to do in birthing class?"  So, I woke Michael up so he could fill up the tub.  We talked to Amy and she came around 6am.  By this point, I was in the tub.  I felt like I was in another world.  Every time I would feel the contraction coming, I would close my eyes and breath.  Then, Michael would give me a drink of icey blue gatorade.  This was all going well until about 9am, I was feeling a little desperate to move on.  I asked Amy if there was anything I could do to speed things up.  She told me to take a shower.  It took me about 5 minutes to walk from the tub in the living room to the shower (or so it felt!).  After the shower, I went back to the tub.  Now, it was about 10am.  My contractions were so close together now, and I had the urge to push.  Amy continually checked my dilation and Titus' heartbeat.  At around 10:30, I was feeling really tired working through the pushes.  Amy picked up our mirror to show me Titus' head.  Just from seeing that, I pushed his head out.  It felt SO good.  Amy's face was shocked and she dropped the mirror.  Then, she told me to wait for another contraction to push his body out.  At 10:47am, Titus Michael Tarrant was born screaming!  Michael was supporting under my arms, and Amy immediately put Titus on my chest.  Michael bawled staring at our perfect son.  We were in love.

We miss you more than words could ever express Titus Michael Tarrant.

My husband

"O Triune God,

I love you, O LORD, my strength.

May You be to my husband his rock and his fortress and his deliverer, his God, his rock in whom he takes refuge, his shield, and the horn of his salvation, his stronghold. You alone are worthy to be praised.

By Your mercy bring him out into a broad place; rescue him, because You delight in him. Put all your rules before him, and may he never put your statutes away from him. For it is You who light his lamp; O  LORD my God, lighten his darkness. Make him abide in this precious promise: 'This GOD- His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.'

Give him the shield of your Salvation, and with Your right hand support him, and with Your gentleness make him great. With Your perfect law, O LORD, revive his soul. With Your sure testimony make him wise. By Your right precepts cause his heart to rejoice. And may Your pure commandment enlighten his eyes.

Keep him, your servant, also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over him! Let the words of his mouth and the meditation of his heart be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 18 and 19)" Prayers of an Excellent Wife by Andrew Case

When I was pregnant with Titus, I was reminded often to pray for Michael.  If I am being honest, it was because I was being critical and kept finding fault with him.  Which in turn made me realize how little I interceded for my man.  

My husband looks at me every time I cry because my sweet boy is not in my arms and says, "I am here with you baby.  I miss him so much too." He holds me and kisses my tears.   

He listens to me talk about my feelings.  He doesn't rush me through moments of sadness, anger or joy--he is with me.  


When we were 7 months pregnant with Titus, we went to Texas to visit family.  We still hadn't picked a middle name for Titus and someone suggested Michael.  We really never even considered that, so on a long walk one warm evening we decided that our first-born son would be Titus Michael Tarrant.  I am so proud that we named Titus after his daddy.  


I pray that I can be the Christ-like love, encouragement and joy that Michael is to me every single day.  I am blessed.  On a day like today when I start my cycle when I long deeply to be pregnant and we grieve two months to the day that we last held our perfect baby, I must remember I am blessed.


This verse has carried Michael and I through many difficult times in our marriage.  We are clinging to it now. 


"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be made known to everyone .  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, WITH THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which  surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 
Philippians 4:4-7

Talking to ourselves

Lindsay has been telling me about this woman's video for a bit, and I finally sat down and watched it last night.  Then, I watched it again today.  It's that good.  Her name is Rachel and she has since left this earth after battling cancer for 5 years.  She is beholding the immense glory of God no longer feeling the weight of sin or the agonizing pain of cancer.  She is with Mercy, Titus, Judah and Baylor.  Oh, to see what they see.

She said many things that I could deeply relate to, and many more things that I simply cannot.  She explained that many people ask her why God would take her from this earth (from her husband and two young children) when rapists and murderers live long lives.  To which I mentally responded, good question!  She went on to say that there is an assumption in this question that she is a good person.  She explained her sinfulness and great need for a Savior.   She beautifully described Jesus on the cross, bearing her heavy sins, feeling the full wrath of God all because of love.  I wish I could somehow make everyone on the planet hear her heart-felt words.

As I was thinking about her words later on, I am convicted to see my apparent sinfulness moment by moment.  I struggle daily with jealousy, self-pity and anger (just to name a few).  Many people tell me these are normal emotions after losing a child.  But, if you could get a glimpse into my heart, you would see the battle raging in me, threatening to make despair my companion. If I am going to allow the Lord to work healing in my heart, He must help me to take my eyes off everything I have lost (Titus and Mercy) and everything I feel that I deserve now (being pregnant), and He must fix my eyes on the extravagance of his love for creation displayed on the cross.

Ever since losing my most precious gift Titus, I have thought many times in bitterness about the many, many women that get to keep their babies.  Women that mistreat their children with physical harm or sharp words or neglect.  I rationalize with God that I would never have done any of these things to Titus.  Just like those people ask Rachel why she is dying when despicable people live, I ask God why do you keep giving babies to those that don't want them, harm them and kill them when Mindy and I are desperate to love and nurture our children?  The reality is that I am no better than these women that you hear about on the news or see cursing at their children at the grocery.  I am a despicable sinner deserving eternal punishment for my sinfulness.  I may never do the things that I look down on these women for doing, but I am just like them-selfish, sinful and broken.  It may seem crazy, but having a deeper realization of this today has brought comfort to my grieving heart.

"On a daily basis we are faced with two simple choices.  We can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth about who God is and what He accomplished on the cross though his son, Jesus."
C.J. Mahaney

http://deathisnotdying.com/fullvideo/

Trolley Stop

When I was 9 months pregnant with Titus, we went with the neighbors to try Trolley Stop.  What a fun place!  Well, that is until Michael spilled an entire glass of sweet tea all over me (I forgive you babe;).  While we were there, I got to catch up with our waitress who I worked with at Starbucks.  It had been about 4 years since I last saw her so we had lots to chat about.

Michael is in ATL for work, and I made a dinner date with my delightful friend Jessica.  It wasn't until we were about 5 minutes away from Trolley Stop when it hit me--Lori might be there.  One of the things that I dread the most is running into acquaintances.  The heart-wrenching questions: "How's the baby?"  Where's the baby?" or they know and its "How are you doing?"  Or the absolute worst, they know and act like nothing happened.  Needless to say, everything inside of me wanted to turn the car around and head absolutely anywhere else.  I told Jessica what I was feeling as my chest tightened up in knots.  We decided just to go hoping that she was off that night.

Nope, there she was right as we walked through the door.  We passed her walking to a table as she asked happily, "Where's the baby?  Is that him over there (pointing to a cute little fella at another table)?"  I couldn't say anything in response to her...I just stared and tensed the muscles in my neck.  She walked over to our table minutes later and I told her about losing our precious Titus.  We both cried and she held onto me as she took in my words saying "Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry." over and over again.  Then, she sat down at the table with us and asked me what happened, tears streaming down her face.  She asked how we were holding up and I told her about how Jesus was carrying our demolished hearts and bringing healing.  She listened, nodded her head and hurt with me in that moment.  We talked for a few minutes, and then she touched my hand and got up from the table shaking her head and wiping away tears.

I remember reading in one of my many grieving books about how this woman cherished everyone that would cry with her because it was like they were helping her carry the heavy load of sorrow.  I have experienced this many times with my close friends and family.  For the very first time, I saw what it meant to do that with a distant acquaintance.  After talking to Lori, my heart felt lighter and at rest.  She was not afraid to enter into the darkness of loss with me, and it connected our hearts.

Later in the evening, I stopped Lori and said "I just wanted you to know that before I came in I was dreading seeing you.  Not because of you but because of this.  I am so glad now that I saw you.  Thank you for your kindness Lori.  It really touched my heart."  All she could do was shake her head as we hugged.  As we turned to walk away, we looked eye to eye and told each other "I love you."

[Side note: this "I love you" business serves to prove that I am indeed Michael Tarrant's wife because I tease him all the time for telling unexpected people that he loves them...He's amazing.]