Talking to ourselves

Lindsay has been telling me about this woman's video for a bit, and I finally sat down and watched it last night.  Then, I watched it again today.  It's that good.  Her name is Rachel and she has since left this earth after battling cancer for 5 years.  She is beholding the immense glory of God no longer feeling the weight of sin or the agonizing pain of cancer.  She is with Mercy, Titus, Judah and Baylor.  Oh, to see what they see.

She said many things that I could deeply relate to, and many more things that I simply cannot.  She explained that many people ask her why God would take her from this earth (from her husband and two young children) when rapists and murderers live long lives.  To which I mentally responded, good question!  She went on to say that there is an assumption in this question that she is a good person.  She explained her sinfulness and great need for a Savior.   She beautifully described Jesus on the cross, bearing her heavy sins, feeling the full wrath of God all because of love.  I wish I could somehow make everyone on the planet hear her heart-felt words.

As I was thinking about her words later on, I am convicted to see my apparent sinfulness moment by moment.  I struggle daily with jealousy, self-pity and anger (just to name a few).  Many people tell me these are normal emotions after losing a child.  But, if you could get a glimpse into my heart, you would see the battle raging in me, threatening to make despair my companion. If I am going to allow the Lord to work healing in my heart, He must help me to take my eyes off everything I have lost (Titus and Mercy) and everything I feel that I deserve now (being pregnant), and He must fix my eyes on the extravagance of his love for creation displayed on the cross.

Ever since losing my most precious gift Titus, I have thought many times in bitterness about the many, many women that get to keep their babies.  Women that mistreat their children with physical harm or sharp words or neglect.  I rationalize with God that I would never have done any of these things to Titus.  Just like those people ask Rachel why she is dying when despicable people live, I ask God why do you keep giving babies to those that don't want them, harm them and kill them when Mindy and I are desperate to love and nurture our children?  The reality is that I am no better than these women that you hear about on the news or see cursing at their children at the grocery.  I am a despicable sinner deserving eternal punishment for my sinfulness.  I may never do the things that I look down on these women for doing, but I am just like them-selfish, sinful and broken.  It may seem crazy, but having a deeper realization of this today has brought comfort to my grieving heart.

"On a daily basis we are faced with two simple choices.  We can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth about who God is and what He accomplished on the cross though his son, Jesus."
C.J. Mahaney

http://deathisnotdying.com/fullvideo/