On Monday afternoon, Mindy told me to listen to this song.  Since then, I've listened to it at least twenty times.  This time last year Michael and I were making ornaments during my early labor with Titus. Oh, so much can change in a moment.  Our arms and hearts will forever ache for our precious little man.  These lyrics put my all-over-the-place feelings into words.  Today, a college friend of ours, Lawrence passed away from lunch cancer...please be praying for his family.

                                                                          




                                                           "Held"

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

-Christa Wells

*You can search Natalie Grant "Held" to hear the song.  

Team Tarrant

I can't remember when Michael started referring to our family as Team Tarrant, but over the years it has really grown on me.  Michael thoroughly enjoys playing and watching sports.  When he is talking about our family, he's sure to compare us to a team usually in reference to unity.  

Over the past seven months, our family has embarked on an adventure that Michael and I are equally thrilled and thankful about...ADOPTION!  When we were dating, we would dream about our lives together and inevitably our children.  We always discussed wanting to raise biological and adopted children together close in age.  Three years later, we joyously anticipated Titus's arrival, our first-born son.  Somewhere around month 8, we were walking and having a "where's our family headed" kind of talk.  As it had many times before, adoption came back up.  But this time, we were compelled to share our hopeful plans with our family.  We wanted them to have time to process and know our heart's desire about the children we believe God will bring into our family.  We explained that we probably wouldn't be able to begin the adoption process until Titus was a toddler and we were (hopefully) financially able.  

Those conversations happened about a year ago, and we never could have dreamed where we would be today.  The reality is that our lives were changed forever the moment that Titus took his last breath, but it's his life that we desperately try to remember with thankful hearts.  Our first-born son comprehends the length, depth, breadth and height of who God is, and we pray that his legacy would live on in our family.  We have opportunities often to share Titus' story in the bigger picture of Jesus Christ's gift of salvation.  We plan to talk openly with all of our children about their big brother (and sister, Mercy) in conversations about eternity, suffering, God's sovereignty and joy.  

"For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair...always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:6-8, 10

About two months after Titus, we began talking about adoption again.  Our good friends were in the process of adopting (and now have welcomed their sweet Samuel into their family!).  As we began discussing the possibility of adopting sooner than later, I was very hesitant at first.  It had not been long since we lost our son, and we both had concerns.  So, we prayed for God to lead us with timing (because we already knew we wanted to do it, we just felt unsure about the when part).  A month later, we were convinced that we should move forward.  We sat our family down again to share our news, and they were all thrilled at the thought on welcoming a lil one into our family!  

Just as we were wrapping up our home study process, we were essentially shocked to see those two pink lines...Surprise!  Honestly, we had to deal with what felt like insurmountable fear at the beginning of this pregnancy.  During the first trimester, we found out that Titus had a heart defect that has a 2% chance of reoccurring in future pregnancies.  This is extremely low recurrence rate, and we have the kindest doctors working with us to monitor this lil guy growing in me.  We are expecting Samson Michael in early February, and we are already in love with this active lil dude!  One of the meanings of Samson's name is "Great Joy," and he has truly already brought so much joy to our hearts.  

We were able to stay in the adoption pool until I was about half-way through the pregnancy, and last Thursday we got the call that are officially on pause until Samson is 6 months old.  Let me tell you that this year continues to show me that I understand absolutely nothing that God does, and I'm ok with that.  So, we have a child growing inside of me, and we have a child growing in our hearts.  Just as much as we adore Samson and anticipate holding him in our arms, we have a similar affection for the child(ren) God is bringing into our family through adoption.  Our hearts ache for all of our children in different ways: for Titus and Mercy and eternity, we long intensely; for Samson, we hope for a beautiful day to hear the words that we can bring our healthy son home; for our adopted children, we feel strangely that we know them but have no clue what they will look like or when they will be in our arms.  We have no guarantees about what's to come for our children that we love and cherish so deeply, but we are praying for long, healthy lives for the ones to come. Grow on, Team Tarrant!

In the middle

Michael played this song for me a couple of weeks ago for the first time.  Afterwards, he said that the lyrics make him think about how God has cared for us through the darkness.  To me, the words poignantly describe my sweet husband.  Even now, I cannot listen to it without both thinking of him and crying. 

In the Middle by Jimmy Needham

I remember it was later in December when we got the call
Dead of winter cut deep like a splinter from the weight of it all
When the news came, for me the hardest part of all
Was to see you sitting there so brokenhearted

I'd forgotten how it felt to hit the bottom when you suffer pain
It was like tryin' to run a hundred miles in the pourin' rain
But the truth is not even storms can kill this flame
My promise to you always remains

In the middle of the cold, dark knight
In the middle it'll be all right I will be there, I will be there
And if pain is the ocean you are swimmin' in
If I can't pull you out, I'm divin' in

Never thought I could love anyone the way I loved you
And if it took my life I'd fight to protect you, too
But I was helpless and there was nothing I could do
So I'll just wrap my arms around you and say

I believe that God was there watching over us
I believe He heard our prayers He cried along with us
Even when our hearts are scared He's closer than He seems
And I can hear Him sing

In the middle of the cold, dark night
In the middle it'll be all right I will be there, I will be there
And if pain is the ocean you are swimmin' in
You can rest assured that I'll be divin' in

In the middle of the cold, dark night
In the middle it'll be all right I will be there, I will be there
And if pain is the ocean you are swimmin' in
Like I've done before, I'm divin' in I am divin' I am divin' in

Michael turned 26 this past Wednesday.  When Michael was born, he faced towering medical conditions.  Doctors had doubts about his survival, and projected he would be hospitalized at minimum for months.  Family and friends prayed and believed for this precious life.  Then, after less than one month in care, he was checked by a Dr. Chase.  He/she determined that his persistent fetal circulation and aspiration had resolved itself.  In medical terminology, God used both the amazing doctors on staff and His healing power to heal tiny Michael Tarrant. (We just found all of this out on Friday when some of his records were discovered in a baby book).  

Fast forward 26 years, and this little miracle baby is the man that makes me laugh more than anyone else, loves me like crazy, talks in his sleep and brings glory to God with his real, broken life.  I am so thankful for you baby, so very thankful.

Follow Me

So, logically I know that it's in no way beneficial for me to compare my life to another persons.  Unfortunately, I'm not always so logical.  Weeks after Titus passed, I remember having this "ah-ha" moment in my living room.  I had been looking at the vast majority of people around me everywhere raising their kiddos and aching with the questions of 'why not us?'  Then, it hit me (this may sound strange) that I didn't want their kids.  I wanted Titus and our hopeful children to come.  This was a truly triumphant moment, but short-lived.  

Weeks ago, Mindy went to Florida to sit and listen to a bunch of people talk.  I'm so thankful, because there is no chance that I would choose to do such a thing, but she told me about the best ones.  This morning I listened to a lady talk about "Comparing" (Min's favorite talk) and it's challenging me.  She shared the account in John when Jesus asked Peter 3x if he loved Him.  She jumped in right after that when Jesus throws this at Peter: "Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this He said to him, "Follow me." Then, she broke it down saying that Jesus told Peter that he would die a brutal death on the cross and then He immediately followed it up by commanding him to set his eyes on Jesus.  She made the point that Jesus doesn't tell Peter how sorry He is or pity him.  

It is like medicine for my heart to think about this moment.  Peter processing his foretold torturous death.  Jesus knew that the only way Peter could survive this was by following after Him.  I am here in this moment.  Waking up every day and remembering that our Titus will not ever be with us on this earth.  Its final. And every moment, Jesus commands the same of Michael and I: follow. So many days it feels like it will be more productive to do everything but seeking Jesus.  Many times these other "productive" things involve me looking at someone else's 'lot' and trying to figure out their life compared to mine (or Mindy's or Catherine's).  I am thankful that Peter did the same so that I can see it played out.

"Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them...When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?"  Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?  You follow me!" (John 21:18-22)

WOW.  Peter is straight-up juxtaposing his life with John's, and Jesus will have none of it. Jesus brings Peter back to the focal point, Himself.  The speaker lady pointed out that it's not enough just not to compare myself to others.  I must constantly be "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2).  It's so funny, you know, that we all kinda know these things deep down.  But, today this dialogue between Peter and Jesus has brought conviction to my heart.  

This truth doesn't make me miss Titus any less or long less eagerly for the day when Michael and I will hold our third child.  I still feel the frustration, sadness and confoundedness with my close friend's difficult situations.  It does though wash waves of peace over my heart.  It brings reassurance that God hasn't changed or altered even for a moment.  I love this Psalm (below) because David doesn't deny the difficult situation he is facing.  But, he knows that his current 'lot' doesn't make God any less.  I could not face the future without this assurance and hope--He remains faithful.  

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel." Psalm 22: 1-3

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Judah and Baylor

Today marks seven months since these two boys were born in a hospital in Dallas.  No heartbeats, just silence and tears.  Even though I never had the honor of meeting them, feeling them kick in their mommy's tummy or holding them, I miss Judah and Baylor Coughlin deeply.  About a month after Titus was born, I went to a children's museum with Lindsay.  In the gift shop, two little boys with light blond hair, plaid overalls and glasses caught my eye.  I'm sure I seemed a little stalkerish because I just stood there and stared at them until they walked away each holding one of their mom's hands.  I just kept thinking--that's exactly what Judah and Baylor would look like at 4 years old.  For the rest of my life when I see twin boys of any age, I will think of Shane and Min's sweet boys.  But, on that day it was different and the image of those two boys is what I picture every time I'm thinking about them.

Everything within my being wishes that Shane and Min & Michael and I raising our boys right now, not writing blogs about them.  But, in the current circumstances I find myself in, I must remember the gifts that our children are to us even though they are not in our arms.   

Now, I have some things to say to the boys:

Dear Judah and Baylor,

First of all, I hope that you two are tight with my Titus and Mercy.  

Boys, I know that you know this, but I just have to say it again.  Your mommy and daddy loved every minute they got to spend with you on this earth.  What a surprise you two were!  A wonderful, perfect surprise.  Your mommy was just telling me today about seeing the two of you on the ultrasound at 11 weeks.  You two have the most genuine, rad parents ever.  When I went to go visit your mommy after you both went to heaven, I imagined for a moment what it would be like if my squirming Titus' heart stopped beating.  I don't think that I will ever understand why you two and my kids are no longer on this earth, but I do know that your mommy and daddy have been a true blessing to Michael and I.  They talk about real, hard things with us.  Your mommy listens to me when I don't make any sense and tells me I'm normal.  Her eyes sparkle sometimes when she is talking about you two.  Your daddy holds your mommy's hand when she's sad.  He would have taught you two to be strong, sensitive men.  

I'm sure you both know that mommy and daddy will be with you soon.  It's hard to always remember that living on this earth.  Until then, my heart hurts for you both to be here.  I eagerly await the day that we are all together beholding the full glory of God...no more death, tears or aching hearts.  Judah and Baylor, even though your time here was short, your lives have touched so many (perhaps mine one of the most).  I will never forget you sweet boys.  I love you two.

Family Photo:

Shane, Min, Judah and Baylor

Dear Titus

Hey buddy,

You would be three months old today.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so, so much.  We talk about you all the time.  I want more than anything else on this earth to hold you in my arms, kiss your soft brown hair and look into your dark eyes.  You look so much like your daddy, which is actually something I always talked about wanting when I was pregnant with you.  I was listening to a song recently that said "If I find in myself desires nothing in the world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I wasn't made for this."  I always knew that one day I would be in eternity with Jesus, but now I understand much more deeply that heaven is truly my home, and my life here is just a moment.  One day, Daddy and I will be there with you forever.  The hope of that beautiful eternity keeps me going.  I love you Titus Michael Tarrant.  On December 12, 2011, you brought more joy to our hearts than we could have ever imagined.

Daddy cried so hard his chest heaved as he looked at you for the first time.  I was way too tired to cry, but I held you on my chest and said, "Oh my goodness!" over and over again.  You were here, you were perfect.  Our two days with you sweet boy were the best days of our lives.  Every day that I mark off the calendar is one day closer to seeing you and beholding the full glory of God.  Soon.

Until then, we know that God continues to put breathe in our lungs.  Jesus, the same Daddy that holds you now, helps us everyday.  After you went to heaven, your cousin Avery told her mommy you were cozy and warm because Jesus is holding you.  Titus, it's true that being there with Jesus is much better than being on this broken earth, but I still long and cry and ache for you to be here.   We are praying to have  dream to see what it was like when you arrived in heaven and Mercy was there.  I imagine that her joy could not be contained.  I also imagine you both playing with Judah and Baylor.  I'm sure you are all good buddies.

Titus, I could not possibly be more proud to be your mommy.   I love you beautiful boy, forever and ever and ever.

love,
mommy

Mercy's day

On March 4, 2011 I found that our first pregnancy ended far too soon.  I was devastated.  We planned a birthday trip with Hannah and David for two weeks later.  I remember wondering in the days before we left if I would be any fun.  I read a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which changed how I would view everything.  Ann presents thankfulness as a way to combat the evils of complacency, self-pity, sadness and many other joy-stealers I was battling at the time.  I began to thank Jesus for all the many blessings I would overlook on a regular day.  The kindness of a stranger, a perfectly sunny afternoon, laughing uncontrollably with Michael, taking a long walk with a friend...you get the idea.  As I took the time to stop and acknowledge these gifts, I found the Lord using thankfulness to heal my hurting heart.


Fast-forward almost a year later...I feel like I am re-learning this attitude of thankfulness.  After loosing Titus, I was hurt and angry...thankfulness was far away from anything I felt or imagined experiencing.  Then I read these words in Nancy Guthrie's book Holding onto Hope, "you see, Hope was a gift. And the appropriate response to a gift is gratitude...when you come to the place where you recognize that everything you have and everyone you love is a gift, it becomes possible to enjoy those gifts--not with an attitude of greed but with one of gratitude...And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. Would you be willing to thank God for a gift he gave you and has now taken away?"


Now, its really a moment by moment struggle to be thankful for the time I was able to carry Mercy and carry/ be with Titus.  I will be with my babies forever and ever and ever in eternity, and every bit of my broken heart longs for that.  Michael asked me the other day if March 4th would be as difficult as Titus's birthday.  I explained that when we lost Titus, it made me realize how much we had already lost with our first pregnancy.  I must rest in the truth that God numbered their days perfectly (Psalm 139).  


Michael and I decided that to honor Mercy's day, we would buy a book every year and make it a family tradition to read it together.  This year I stumbled on a lady's blog who wrote about One Thousand Gifts and a children's book called Small Beauties.  I knew this must be Mercy's book this year.  I read it for the first time today tear-free until I got to this line, "Help the others to remember, and not just the sadness, the hurt, and the hunger.  Help them to remember all the beauty they left behind."  Oh Mercy, help me to remember sweet baby, help me to remember.  

Titus' birth story

In January of 2011, I was reading in Psalms 127 and I marked it with the date.  Michael and I wanted to get pregnant and fill our quiver with many arrows!

At the end of March, I watched the 2nd line appear on the pregnancy test.  Nothing in the world could have brought more joy to my broken heart than those two lines.  It had been a little over 3 weeks since we had miscarried our first. [We later agreed that we felt like the baby was a girl and we named her Mercy]   We made onsies with cutsie phrases and surprised our family with the amazing news.  What a gift!  

The first trimester I remember thinking, why do people do this more than once?  Morning sickness.  After getting over that yucky time, I really enjoyed being pregnant.  I LOVED feeling Titus kicking and squirming around.  Most morning I woke up around four and I would lay next to Michael with my hands on my belly dreaming about this tiny life flipping inside me.  I have had baby names picked out since I was around five.  When my mom got pregnant with Jordan(I was 6), I was so ticked that she named him Jordan because I had that name on my girl list:).  I dreamed about being a mom for as long as I can remember.  

Throughout my pregnancy, I went to my midwife for prenatal care.  Michael and I would go sit in her office and talk for an hour or so.  We would listen to Titus' strong heartbeat, run tests, take my weight and blood pressure and discuss the big day.  I was so excited about our home birth, but I told myself that no matter how the birth ended up (home birth, c-section, hospital birth), the most important thing was having a healthy baby.  

Before December 11, we had two false alarms which made me quite sad.  I was so ready to meet this sweet boy!  The night after the second false alarm, I was laying awake crying and asking God to please let my labor start.  The Lord whispered lovingly to my heavy heart, "Emery, I am taking care of you. Emery, I am taking care of you."  These words stilled my heart, but I had no idea in that moment what these words would mean to me just 8 days later.  

So, on Sunday afternoon around 5 my regular contractions began about 15 minutes apart.  We went for a walk that night-well, really I was waddling.  Then, we tried to sleep.  From about 2 am until 4am, I was awake by myself breathing through the contractions.  Near the end of that stretch, I was freaking out every time I had a contraction--I kept thinking, "What in the world did they say to do in birthing class?"  So, I woke Michael up so he could fill up the tub.  We talked to Amy and she came around 6am.  By this point, I was in the tub.  I felt like I was in another world.  Every time I would feel the contraction coming, I would close my eyes and breath.  Then, Michael would give me a drink of icey blue gatorade.  This was all going well until about 9am, I was feeling a little desperate to move on.  I asked Amy if there was anything I could do to speed things up.  She told me to take a shower.  It took me about 5 minutes to walk from the tub in the living room to the shower (or so it felt!).  After the shower, I went back to the tub.  Now, it was about 10am.  My contractions were so close together now, and I had the urge to push.  Amy continually checked my dilation and Titus' heartbeat.  At around 10:30, I was feeling really tired working through the pushes.  Amy picked up our mirror to show me Titus' head.  Just from seeing that, I pushed his head out.  It felt SO good.  Amy's face was shocked and she dropped the mirror.  Then, she told me to wait for another contraction to push his body out.  At 10:47am, Titus Michael Tarrant was born screaming!  Michael was supporting under my arms, and Amy immediately put Titus on my chest.  Michael bawled staring at our perfect son.  We were in love.

We miss you more than words could ever express Titus Michael Tarrant.

My husband

"O Triune God,

I love you, O LORD, my strength.

May You be to my husband his rock and his fortress and his deliverer, his God, his rock in whom he takes refuge, his shield, and the horn of his salvation, his stronghold. You alone are worthy to be praised.

By Your mercy bring him out into a broad place; rescue him, because You delight in him. Put all your rules before him, and may he never put your statutes away from him. For it is You who light his lamp; O  LORD my God, lighten his darkness. Make him abide in this precious promise: 'This GOD- His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.'

Give him the shield of your Salvation, and with Your right hand support him, and with Your gentleness make him great. With Your perfect law, O LORD, revive his soul. With Your sure testimony make him wise. By Your right precepts cause his heart to rejoice. And may Your pure commandment enlighten his eyes.

Keep him, your servant, also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over him! Let the words of his mouth and the meditation of his heart be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 18 and 19)" Prayers of an Excellent Wife by Andrew Case

When I was pregnant with Titus, I was reminded often to pray for Michael.  If I am being honest, it was because I was being critical and kept finding fault with him.  Which in turn made me realize how little I interceded for my man.  

My husband looks at me every time I cry because my sweet boy is not in my arms and says, "I am here with you baby.  I miss him so much too." He holds me and kisses my tears.   

He listens to me talk about my feelings.  He doesn't rush me through moments of sadness, anger or joy--he is with me.  


When we were 7 months pregnant with Titus, we went to Texas to visit family.  We still hadn't picked a middle name for Titus and someone suggested Michael.  We really never even considered that, so on a long walk one warm evening we decided that our first-born son would be Titus Michael Tarrant.  I am so proud that we named Titus after his daddy.  


I pray that I can be the Christ-like love, encouragement and joy that Michael is to me every single day.  I am blessed.  On a day like today when I start my cycle when I long deeply to be pregnant and we grieve two months to the day that we last held our perfect baby, I must remember I am blessed.


This verse has carried Michael and I through many difficult times in our marriage.  We are clinging to it now. 


"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be made known to everyone .  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, WITH THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which  surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 
Philippians 4:4-7

Talking to ourselves

Lindsay has been telling me about this woman's video for a bit, and I finally sat down and watched it last night.  Then, I watched it again today.  It's that good.  Her name is Rachel and she has since left this earth after battling cancer for 5 years.  She is beholding the immense glory of God no longer feeling the weight of sin or the agonizing pain of cancer.  She is with Mercy, Titus, Judah and Baylor.  Oh, to see what they see.

She said many things that I could deeply relate to, and many more things that I simply cannot.  She explained that many people ask her why God would take her from this earth (from her husband and two young children) when rapists and murderers live long lives.  To which I mentally responded, good question!  She went on to say that there is an assumption in this question that she is a good person.  She explained her sinfulness and great need for a Savior.   She beautifully described Jesus on the cross, bearing her heavy sins, feeling the full wrath of God all because of love.  I wish I could somehow make everyone on the planet hear her heart-felt words.

As I was thinking about her words later on, I am convicted to see my apparent sinfulness moment by moment.  I struggle daily with jealousy, self-pity and anger (just to name a few).  Many people tell me these are normal emotions after losing a child.  But, if you could get a glimpse into my heart, you would see the battle raging in me, threatening to make despair my companion. If I am going to allow the Lord to work healing in my heart, He must help me to take my eyes off everything I have lost (Titus and Mercy) and everything I feel that I deserve now (being pregnant), and He must fix my eyes on the extravagance of his love for creation displayed on the cross.

Ever since losing my most precious gift Titus, I have thought many times in bitterness about the many, many women that get to keep their babies.  Women that mistreat their children with physical harm or sharp words or neglect.  I rationalize with God that I would never have done any of these things to Titus.  Just like those people ask Rachel why she is dying when despicable people live, I ask God why do you keep giving babies to those that don't want them, harm them and kill them when Mindy and I are desperate to love and nurture our children?  The reality is that I am no better than these women that you hear about on the news or see cursing at their children at the grocery.  I am a despicable sinner deserving eternal punishment for my sinfulness.  I may never do the things that I look down on these women for doing, but I am just like them-selfish, sinful and broken.  It may seem crazy, but having a deeper realization of this today has brought comfort to my grieving heart.

"On a daily basis we are faced with two simple choices.  We can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth about who God is and what He accomplished on the cross though his son, Jesus."
C.J. Mahaney

http://deathisnotdying.com/fullvideo/

Trolley Stop

When I was 9 months pregnant with Titus, we went with the neighbors to try Trolley Stop.  What a fun place!  Well, that is until Michael spilled an entire glass of sweet tea all over me (I forgive you babe;).  While we were there, I got to catch up with our waitress who I worked with at Starbucks.  It had been about 4 years since I last saw her so we had lots to chat about.

Michael is in ATL for work, and I made a dinner date with my delightful friend Jessica.  It wasn't until we were about 5 minutes away from Trolley Stop when it hit me--Lori might be there.  One of the things that I dread the most is running into acquaintances.  The heart-wrenching questions: "How's the baby?"  Where's the baby?" or they know and its "How are you doing?"  Or the absolute worst, they know and act like nothing happened.  Needless to say, everything inside of me wanted to turn the car around and head absolutely anywhere else.  I told Jessica what I was feeling as my chest tightened up in knots.  We decided just to go hoping that she was off that night.

Nope, there she was right as we walked through the door.  We passed her walking to a table as she asked happily, "Where's the baby?  Is that him over there (pointing to a cute little fella at another table)?"  I couldn't say anything in response to her...I just stared and tensed the muscles in my neck.  She walked over to our table minutes later and I told her about losing our precious Titus.  We both cried and she held onto me as she took in my words saying "Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry." over and over again.  Then, she sat down at the table with us and asked me what happened, tears streaming down her face.  She asked how we were holding up and I told her about how Jesus was carrying our demolished hearts and bringing healing.  She listened, nodded her head and hurt with me in that moment.  We talked for a few minutes, and then she touched my hand and got up from the table shaking her head and wiping away tears.

I remember reading in one of my many grieving books about how this woman cherished everyone that would cry with her because it was like they were helping her carry the heavy load of sorrow.  I have experienced this many times with my close friends and family.  For the very first time, I saw what it meant to do that with a distant acquaintance.  After talking to Lori, my heart felt lighter and at rest.  She was not afraid to enter into the darkness of loss with me, and it connected our hearts.

Later in the evening, I stopped Lori and said "I just wanted you to know that before I came in I was dreading seeing you.  Not because of you but because of this.  I am so glad now that I saw you.  Thank you for your kindness Lori.  It really touched my heart."  All she could do was shake her head as we hugged.  As we turned to walk away, we looked eye to eye and told each other "I love you."

[Side note: this "I love you" business serves to prove that I am indeed Michael Tarrant's wife because I tease him all the time for telling unexpected people that he loves them...He's amazing.]